Unfinished Business

They say that denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

After weeks (maybe even months) of pretending everything was ok, I crashed and burned this morning with the acceptance that I am sick again.

Every inch of my body hurts. Bones, muscles. Excruciating pain. I'm so cold. I can hardly think straight. My eyes hurt, my jaw hurts. My ears feel plugged with water and they often ring so loud I can hardly hear. My big toes are numb. My feet and legs feel heavy when I walk. I can't sleep and I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I can hardly keep up with life. I feel like crying. And today I was incredibly mad about it all.

It's good for me to be mad because that's my fuel. It makes me move.

So moving forward and going inside. This Lyme relapse is about unfinished business. I know it and I know what I need to do. This really is a fabulous opportunity and couldn't have come at a better time. I love perfect timing! This evening I received a phone call from someone I've never talked to before. He told me that whatever is happening, whatever I am doing, is perfect.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and love! <3

Release

I'm on this little hiatus from technology (writing still in, of course) and decided one of the things I'm focusing on is making some art. Such an important part of me and it got me to thinking of a story about art in my life. I shared it with a friend today and she was inspired by it, so I thought I'd put it down here too.

For the most part, I hated school. I was fortunate enough to make a few best friends, people that I've known since I was five years old, so that was helpful. But I was bored, uninterested and didn't know how to play social games very well. Of course, there were some good times and it was tolerable but I wasn't happy and certainly not able to explore my full potential. I would get my 'busy' work done long before most classmates and spent a lot of time reading in the corner. Which wasn't too bad because I really love reading. I scored one point away from being in the 'gifted' class but hey, there has to be some cut off point so I watched the 'smart' kids head off doing fun stuff while I kept reading in the corner. The only thing that really got me excited about school was art and music. Unfortunately music didn't come until grade 7 and there wasn't a huge focus on art. Ugh.

Then came time to choose a high school and I almost died when I found out that there was an arts school. I explored all my options, gathered information (got more excited) and talked to my parents about it. I'm still not exactly sure why they said no, something about there being no future in art or it was too far.... I was choked. Seriously. WTF. That was it. No changing minds. Even as I write this I can feel that crushing feeling in my chest.

Anyway, I managed to get through the rest of school and on with my life. I never realized how much resentment and bitterness I was holding on to until a couple of years ago. I always sorta had some outlet for art but my creativity was totally being dampened by the emotional block surrounding my experience.

I'm pretty sure what turned it all around was a conversation. I love perfect timing. I was back home visiting with my dear friend Sarah who was talking about having wings and in that moment I realized that nothing was stopping me from doing art! Except myself. I had been holding onto limiting, destructive and unnecessary things. From like over 15 years ago!! WTF indeed.

A long train ride later, I rocked out this piece sitting by a sunny window in my kitchen while my kids created too. Not exactly sure how it happened, I vaguely remember seeing it somewhere a long time ago... some people say it's a self portrait. Either way, it came from the inner depths of release -  a negative thought pattern that I no longer wanted or needed in my life. It's so powerful to identify and then let these things go.

Love, Jenn

We Found Love

So I don't know about the rest of you but it seems these days that the ebb and flow of life is powerfully dramatic, digging deep into my soul to expose the very inner essence of my being. Driving me to find truth and create what it is longing in my heart. And... it's mega draining at times. I've been away from my blog, doing Reiki from home, spending time with my kids (who happen to be feeling the same way) and really just laying low. Listening to the whispering wind and waiting for that gentle nudge that guides 'this way...'

Today I felt inspired to share a really beautiful routine that has become a part of our life since we've moved to Vancouver. It's a Saturday morning art class for kids in the downtown eastside of the city. I usually get a few eyebrow lifts when I mention it, since many think of this area as the least beautiful, even some that exclaim 'You bring your KIDS down there??'. Yes, yes I do. And I do it with gratitude in my heart. For this is the place I have found a profound love, creativity, friendship, laughter, belonging and healing. Snacks too. Complete nourishment for my mind, body and spirit. 

There can definately be a darkness to the downtown eastside. I'm still new and don't quite understand all the inner workings of the neighbourhood so I won't get into it. I can say that Saturday mornings are pretty tame at the park. There is always coffee (usually food), conversation, community events and often ceremonies and celebrations. It's a very interesting mix of a lot of different things!

I'll stick with what I know and it's this amazing little art class that has touched our hearts. 

To make a long story short, I reconnected with someone that I last saw when I was 8 years old. This, only days after moving to Vancouver, being left totally heartbroken and alone in a big new city with two kids and not knowing anyone. My reconnected friend Ron, with kids of his own, invited me to art class. We showed up on a rainy September morning with our brave faces on and glad to have some sort of connection to somebody. 

I remember quite vividly that I had packed egg salad sandwiches and nearly gobbled them up... then realized I was finally at ease enough to eat again. I hadn't really slept or eaten in days. I was physically exhausted, emotionally shattered, lonely and afraid. Broken. I've been asked how things like this happen to people that are Reiki masters and my best answer is that I am still a spiritual being having a human experience. I am not immune to experiences or emotions. I'm on this earth to learn lessons just like everyone else. Let me tell you though, this one was a doozie.

Other than getting my appetite back, I don't remember much about that first art class except for the calming feeling it gave us. The kids in the class were fun and mine fit in right away. I met another mom, Tracy, who would turn out to be one of the most amazing people I've ever met. I left, promising we'd be back. My boys were already asking when the next class was. 

We went back the following week, and the next and the next. It wasn't always easy to pick ourselves up out of bed but we went. Each time we walked through that door, it was a celebration. YES!! Made it through another week!! Erin, the art instructor, had a wonderfully welcoming spirit - kind and gentle. Such a comfort for us, that lovely Saturday morning art class. As time passed, things were getting easier as we adjusted to life in a new city. I worked hard with a lot of prayer, Reiki, homeopathics and whatever else I could pull out of my healing 'tool box' to help us be well. No doubt, art was therapy for my boys and I watched as they created all sorts of interesting things: tracing leaves, a group quilt project, carved pumpkins and shaped a magical winter wonderland that even I became enthralled with.

Saturday morning art class quickly evolved into Saturday hang outs with our new friends. Potluck lunches, going out for sushi, playing at the park and finding interesting things to do around the city. Quality time and quality people... so good for a healing heart. I soon found myself able to smile and laugh again (those who know me, know about that infamous uncontrollable belly laugh!). With every passing week I was feeling more and more like myself again. My boys made friends with Ron and Tracy's kids easily and although the group dynamic was tricky at times, they became good buddies.

On October 15th we went to the Occupy Vancouver march after art class. We stood (and marched) next to each other, among thousands. The kids had handmade signs and held them up proudly with paint still on their arms. That was a day we'll never forget.

So now months later, this beautiful Saturday experience we have created is a wonderful part of our new life. We laugh, play, make art, eat and talk! I'm getting to know some of the other familiar faces - parents, park locals and employees... our circle of friendship is ever expanding. I choose to arrive in the downtown eastside thankful that it's there and for the people that it brings together. It has helped heal our hearts from a very challenging experience. I use my Reiki to give back what was given to me. Sometimes it's having a chat with a stranger or filling a bus with unconditional love energy. However I can think of giving the love back, I do it. 

We are so grateful for you Erin, Ron, Tracy and your radiant children (also Buddy the dog). I am humbled and blessed -  thank you. See you next Saturday! :)

Love,

Jenn

PS. Just after I had written this post, I saw something interesting on Facebook that blew me away! I was sort of still stuck on my answer to the whole 'why do things like this happen to Reiki masters' question and here was my answer. I thought that it SO perfectly spoke to my experience that I had to include it. I love perfect timing. Beautiful. Thank you Tad.

you are not alone in this city.


you think you are out
lost and alone
wandering the streets
past the shuffling rags
the pulled up pea coats against the cold wind
but
you are at home
and your light is on
late at night
you are typing out words of sadness and beauty
you are not the wounds you have received
you are medicine that flows from them
you are that strange light
in that strange building
on that strange hill
in that strange city

that never goes out
that no one can fail to notice

find it

and you will know that
all the people wandering the streets
are looking for you

you are not alone in this city.
you are at home
and your light is on
late at night
you are typing out words of sadness and beauty

unlock your door
guests will be arriving soon


Tad Hargrave




PSS. I'm going to Tad's workshop in Vancouver on Feb 24-26. You should really check him out, he is brilliant at helping holistic practitioners (and green businesses and the like) with marketing! He's also a really cool guy :)
http://marketingforhippies.com/

Are We The Generation We've Been Waiting For?

My short but sweet Valentines sentiment comes from a punk rock song called 'Architects' (yeah!). This song always inspires me to follow my heart and create what I want for this world - I heard it this morning and thought it was perfect for today.

Beyond the ridiculous commercialism of Valentines Day, the bigger picture is that an amazing thing is happening in our world. People are learning to put love first again. I would challenge you to think about what's holding you back. If you've got a deep burning desire that simply won't allow you to accept the current state things, do something about it. A good place to start is by just opening your heart.

Put your love out there...let's set the world on fire!

Love,
Jenn

Living Reiki

So I've decided to start a blog to share my thoughts and experiences with energy work and life. Reiki is my passion. I love people and I love to help people. I also like to talk a lot and lately have had so many ideas of things I wanted to write about so here goes...

My own wonderful Reiki Master, Shirley, held the belief that her students learn to 'live Reiki' and it is an important philosophy that I share with my own students - and strive to maintain in my everyday life. What does this mean exactly? Living Reiki to me means aiming to live with intention, compassion, kindness, gratitude, connectedness, joy and a bunch of other good stuff. It means really making an effort to reach out with an open heart in everyday interactions. It is a continual process.

That being said, I'm human like everyone else. I too struggle when my kids are arguing relentlessly or when I'm so tired and just need a break. Often these are the times when lessons are learned in the most powerful ways. Willingness to listen is key.

My biggest hope for this blog is to share stories of how I've found and shared unconditional love  - which is the very essence of Reiki. I'm still learning and growing too.


Dr. Mikao Usui, the founder of the Reiki system of natural healing, recommended that one practice certain simple ethical ideals to promote peace and harmony, which are nearly universal across all cultures. I'll leave you with the Reiki Ideals.

Just for today, I will let go of anger.

Just for today, I will let go of worry.

Just for today, I will give thanks for my many blessings.

Just for today, I will do my work honestly.

Just for today, I will be kind to my neighbor and every living thing.

Love ~ Jenn